Thursday, April 4, 2013

BLOGGING CHALLENGE FROM A TO Z APRIL 2013 – LETTER “D”


DEPRESSION AND
"PARKINSON'S DISEASE OR NON-PARKINSON'S DISEASE, THAT IS THE QUESTION"

NOTE: April is a busy month for lots of folks. It starts off well, with April Fool's Day, which I personally celebrate every day; sometimes several times a day, or an hour, if I'm having a good run. As well as this fine Challenge, Blogging from A to Z for April of 2013, April is also Parkinson's Disease Awareness month. I have Parkinson's Disease. Or not. That is the question. Stick around long enough and you will all find out the answer to the worst-kept secret since the H-Bomb recipe was sold to the USSR, back in the 50s and since this is my blog on Thursdays, I will be posting my posts here and at P.A.N.D.A. Even if you don't know anyone with Parkinson's Disease or any type of movement disorder, or you are not a caregiver for anyone, or are dealing with any type of chronic illness, you might want to browse this site. The men and women and this community are brave and wonderful, hopeful and funny people. They are my battery mates. Now, back to our Challenge here at A-to-Z!

I could be coy and state that here we have a multitude of “D” words, but today is Thursday, day 4 of the A-to-Z April Challenge and it is also Parkinson's Disease Awareness Month. I blog on most Thursdays for the P.A.N.D.A. Organization, which is a wonderful group that provides support to folks with Parkinson's, or PD, or their caregivers. Most people associate this movement disorder with Michael J. Fox, who has young onset PD, or Muhammad Ali, who may or may not have acquired PD or Parkinsonism during is delayed career after his boxing license was re-instated. Like so many neuro-muscular with all of the inherent symptomology and untangling of the physical and mental aspects, it is hard to pinpoint any one specific cause for these conditions. My PD or not-PD is not yours and vice versa. It's hard to quantify and eludes labeling.


My friend, YumaBev (Twitter @YumaBev and Parkinson's Humor) is a HUGE advocate for PD. She sings "I don't need no rockin' chair, 'cause I'm rockin' on my own!"

I am currently among the undiagnosed and non-medicated for that,  and my story is not unique, although my manifestations of the disease or condition or visitation, for the more celestially and whimsically inclined are unique to me, as are my outlooks and reactions to the whole shebang. I have had a whale of a journey to get here, just right here, right now, typing this to you A-to-Z-ers and P.A.N.D.A. Folks. I guess we all have these sorts of stories where we come in after the intermission and are trying to get caught up.

You haven't missed all that much. Just know that people with neuro-muscular disorders of any stripe, I find, tend to suffer from depression and black it is when it hits. There is of course, the usual raging debate, about whether or not this really exists. It does and it is ferocious in its callous disregard for a person's progress. Pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps is not an answer. More often than not, the etiology is biochemical, as I found when I had a psychotic break after not sleeping for a month and woke up a month later in a mental ward with tremors and a patchy short-term memory. The fun was only beginning.

Testing for PD doesn't exist and I, in the course of the past year, with careful observation of myself, reading, conversation with other Parkinson's Disease patients, memories of my life and my family life (I am an only child, no offspring and both parents deceased) can conclude that my mother suffered from PD or PD-like symptoms as well, though she was never diagnosed to my knowledge. After the committal to the mental ward, the psychiatrist, who concluded that I was absolutely no harm to anyone or myself, but was bipolar and prescribed accordingly and sent me on my way, also noted, that this was the least troublesome committal he'd ever dealt with; bipolarity is part of the Parkinson's. I think one of the reasons for that is I am in my late 50s, although I had exhibited symptoms for years.

I probably have more of the mental issues than physical; I do have tremors and they have really been troublesome of late. I can't play my viola without it sounding like a machine gun. ViolaFury is definitely not pleased. This brings out the not really happy part of me. This is not good. I will have to think nice thoughts or take a time out... from humanity. Just kidding. But, it really points to something that I mentioned briefly in my Beethoven post. Pissed much?


I don't do this well; by the time we're here, hostages have been taken and Haz-Mat is on the scene... Just kidding.

Mad? ViolaFury is my nom de guerre for a reason. She puts on her boxing gloves when she needs them. She may need them. I believe I mentioned the Roman empire and Emperors during their Triumphs in Ancient Rome; in a not very well-written way, I was trying to allude to their mortality and how they were reminded of it by slaves during the triumphs. Beethoven, in his way, did that to Bonaparte in his 3rd symphony. We all do that, while perversely "facing the tiger." I can put up with the spastic typing and not being able to comb my hair or wear make up. That's minor stuff.

But if I can't play Wolf? I can't play my gorgeous Guidantus viola, built in 1837, only 10 years after Beethoven died, to his (the viola's) full potential and play as I am able to play? I put on my Roman boxing gloves. They used to be made out of leather, with metal studs added and were called cestus, to inflict greater damage. I am a boxing fan; a HUGE boxing fan. I may have to dig those bad boys out of storage, and strap 'em on, to take on PD or non-PD, that is the question, because "nobody puts Wolf in the corner." Metaphorically, of course, but for real? I wish, in my little brawler heart.


Wolf and I, playing William Walton's Viola Concerto in a windstorm. The rainstorm pictures didn't work so well. Wolf doesn't like water.

In all seriousness, this is fine. I'd much rather have this facing me than the horrible black sorrow of depression, the fear that all of life is ending and the mourning over the horrific cruelties we inflict on one another with so little thought, or worse, with so much planning and intention to do the greatest harm and evil possible. If life is to have any meaning it needs to be fought for and won hard. Every single day is a celebration, an ode to happiness, joy, a will to express ourselves the best that we are able to and to love one another freely and without reservation.

If I didn't have the challenges I have had previous to this moment, I would have nothing to say or express, nothing to sing or play or write about. This is my song and this is also what my Parkinson's Awareness has given me.


16 comments:

Unknown said...

Hi husband has been diagnosed with Parkinson. Each day for him is a struggle to reach out to the unknown. He is very complacent so its had to know if he is depressed.

We take it one day at a time

Came by from Tales of the Reborn Crafter.

http://talesofthereborncrafter.blogspot.com/

Sandy said...

I didn't know there was a connection between PD and Bi-Polar. I've known some folks who diagnosed Bi-Polar who were dangers to self and others, but to the best of my knowledge known with PD. Nice article. Best of luck to you
A-Z

Unknown said...

Kudos to you for taking up writing and for getting off the streets. You have my admiration! Please stop by http://citymusecountrymuse2012.blogspot.com/ if you have the chance and sign up if you like what you see.

Anonymous said...

Chronic illness is such a tough thing to battle, especially if it remains unknown for a long time. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and wish you every good thing to make it easier for you.

Lisa said...

My father has just passed away. He had PD for over twenty years. I feel for you and wish you all the help and support you can find. Thanks for the compassionate and spunky post for D. Good luck on the A to Z!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

and awesome instrument.

Su-sieee! Mac said...

Reading your post was like listening to a piece of classical music. Maybe you don't play your viola as much or the way that you would like, but the music is being played through your words and sentences. Cool!

I'm doing the AtoZ at
Take 25 to Hollister
Don't be a Hippie

Kristen said...

I love your post. It took me awhile to get to it because I tend to leave the long ones for last, then procrastinate on them... but it was lovely. My mother used to play viola as well. She also thought she may be getting Parkinson's for awhile, like my grandmother had, but it turned out that she just needed to find a new diet that worked for her. I wonder if a specific diet, tailored to each person, could work for everyone? hmmm...

The A to Z blog said in the latest post to add a link to your own A to Z blog in the comments, so here's mine: kristenhead.blogspot.com

ViolaFury said...

Thank you, daft Scots Lass! I am a daft Scot as well! It really is an awesome instrument and when I switched from violin to viola, I knew I'd come home! Thanks for stopping by!

ViolaFury said...

Kristen,

Thank you so much for your kind words! I've been trying to keep them short. I get so wordy at times and this is supposed to be fun, not a marathon slog. Interesting about your mom. Diet, as well as medication has a definite effect on how we perform and how our nervous systems react. I think you're right, up to a point. I'm pretty healthy and strong, but I have mental issues brought on the Parkinson's as well, since it's all tangled up. I'm inclined to agree with you and I eat well. Thanks again, Kristen. I will add you to my list of blogs!

ViolaFury said...

@MaryAnn Millington

Thanks for visiting MaryAnn. Don't wait for a doctor's diagnosis of depression. As high as 40% of PD patients suffer from Depression. Knowing this, and knowing that there will be changes constantly will I hope be a spur for you both to take control and it's doable. Don't hesitate to ask for help. I was a mess and when I was committed in a mental ward, that was part of my Parkinson's, and now, looking back, I had symptoms that were latent for years, thus young onset. If you need anything, or need help trying to dig up some resources, I can help. Thanks again and my best wishes and prayers to you and your husband. I will come and visit your blog. P.S. Life is still a hoot, in my humble opinion.

ViolaFury said...

@Sandy,

Thanks for stopping by. I didn't know that either. At first, I thought I was just bipolar. I had the initial diagnosis of depression and then I stayed up for a month and had a psychotic break that landed me in the mental ward and got me committed. I was then diagnosed as bipolar and along with that diagnosis I started exhibiting overt symptoms of PD for the first time. Upon further study and talking to people, I found that in 40% of PD, patients experience some type of bipolar behavious, or Asperger, which I've been for years and I do understand why. I'm not a harm to myself or others, but I have triggers, so I walk away in certain situations. Sometimes, I'm not fit to be around, and that's the bipolar. Unfortunately, I suffer from dementia brought on by my PD at times too, but I've also learned how to control that. The problem with Parkinson's is this; it's different in everyone. 35% of patients never exhibit tremors. As are brains age, or if we're exposed to certain chemicals (I lived among a group of people who were all exposed to malathion, that may be why we're all sick, or not. Who knows?) they may stop producing levodopa which acts as a governor for all of our autonomic functions. Stupid stuff happens like my sugar will go from 168 to 42 in 20 minutes and I start to see things and I get confused and recognize nothing. I have to eat a couple of bites of candy. I am not diabetic. I'm too young for this. It's just a thing, but it's one that people don't know about and we are trying to expand awareness. Sandy, again, thank you for visiting. I'll be by to visit you!

ViolaFury said...

@Juliet Bond,

Thanks for stopping by! I appreciate the comments. Yeah, the streets didn't have much going for them. I definitely will be by to visit you; sounds like something I will love.

ViolaFury said...

@M. J. Joachim,

Thank you for visiting. I appreciate what you said. I don't like dealing with chronic disease, but it's the hand I've been dealt, so that's it. It could be worse. I've learned a lot from it already and that's never a bad thing. Thank you for your wishes for me as well. I wish you all good things and bright goodness, too. I'll be by and bring some tea.

ViolaFury said...

@Lisa,

I am so sorry for your loss; I do understand and feel for you. One of the reasons we all are trying to make people more aware of PD is because it does take a toll. There is a school of debate about whether or not it is fatal. I think that is irrelevant. More importantly, is what does it do to the patient's quality of life?

I hope and pray your father had a good life and again, I am sorry for your loss. I will be by to visit, Lisa. Take care.

ViolaFury said...

@Su-sieee Mac,

What a wonderful compliment! Thank you. I try. English, actually any spoken or written language to me is music and I love the way it sounds. Whether it's in my head or spoken. I read sometimes just to hear the flow of the words! I must come and visit you! Thanks again!